works for me: transfer of motivation

We are halfway through the first week of summer vacation and I am knee-deep in parenting my 'busy' boy that is a real 'handful' or even a 'character'. These are all the phrases used by others to tell me that my son is a bit a of challenge. "Yes." I answer. "I had noticed."

There is a bit of foolish stubbornness in him (and in all of us, most likely), where he will pick something petty and just flat-out refuse to do it or pick something simple and feign difficulty with it. Most recently it was refusing to change his underwear, day after day. "Fine," I said. "Then you won't be needing all these clean pairs." I gathered them up and they disappeared.

Days pass.

Dandy: Mom, may I please have some clean underwear?
Me: If I give you clean underwear, what will you do with them?
D: I will change my underwear.
Me: Why would you want to do that?
D: These are stinky.
Me: Why would you care about that?
D: I don't want to be stinky.
Me: Why not?
D: No one will want to snuggle me.
Me: Oh my, that would be sad. Okay, here, have some underwear. How many do you need?
D: One for every day.
Me: Okay. Good idea.

My underlying principle is that I have to move the controversy of the moment away from Me-Wanting-It-Thus-And-So to Him-Wanting-It-Thus-And-So. I wanted clean clothes on him; he didn't care. I stopped caring; he started caring.

The hardest part was that he really was getting smelly and I had to ignore it. Thank goodness we were spending our days outdoors, including meals.

Today I sent him up to wash his face. Nope. Couldn't get that done. (He brushed his face with his toothbrush instead and returned to me still grimy.) "Oops!" I said. "I can see that you need practice with washing. Please wash the kitchen floor for practice and then we'll see if you are ready to wash your face." Kitchen floor gets washed.

Dandy: I'm finished.
Me: Was that good washing practice?
Dandy: Yes.
Me: Are you sure? Maybe you need more practice before trying your face again?
Dandy: No, I think I can do it.
Me: Okay, go try. I hope you have had enough practice.
(minutes pass - boy returns with clean face)
Me: Great! You did it! Nice work! Next time you need to wash your face, do you think we'll need to practice on a floor first?
Dandy: No I think I can wash my face okay next time.
Me: Yeah! (lots of smiles)

At first I wanted a clean face; he didn't. After the practice experience he wanted a clean face (to prove he didn't need more practice); he knew I would be okay with a not-clean face as we have lots of floors to practice on. Transfer the motivation.

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