4.14.2009

older child adoption issues: lying (yet again)

once again Suzanne has something to say about :: ::

I think I am handling things in a wise and informed manner, but as the problem keeps recurring, I am being to doubt.

Last night:



Dandy: Mom, how do I get this off the cookie sheet?
Me: Use a SOS pad.
(big production about finding a SOS pad, writing SOS pads on the grocery list as the box is low, etc.)


This morning I find the cookie sheet, untouched by SOS pad or soap and water for that matter, hidden in the laundry room. Not set down and forgotten, but tucked into the gap between the freezer and the shelving.


Me: So, how did that SOS pad work last night?
Dandy: Great!!
Me: Can I see?
Dandy: Yeah.
(He pulls out the cookie sheet's twin and proudly displays it.)
Me: That is not the cookie sheet.
Dandy: Yes it is.
Me: Please go sit in the little chair until you are ready to tell the truth.

(time passes)

Dandy: I hid it in the laundry room.
Me: Go get it and clean it please.

(I sequester myself in my bedroom where my head bursts into flames.)


He had it all planned out! It was premeditated deception. I HATE THIS. How oh how can I install a conscience in this kid? He is such a terrific little person, bursting with intelligence and charm, yet all this will be for naught if he persists in land-mining his relationships with expedient deceptions.

Help!!

~Suzanne


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7 new & improved comments:

rachael said...

Well, at least he did not persist in the lie and finally admitted the truth. That's something, however small. Think of it as the developmentally delayed conscience. Still better than it not being there at all! And, oh, the patience of a saint you shall have when you are done maturing him.

(I'm trying to be encouraging, since I have no other useful advice for you.)

April 14, 2009 6:34 PM
Vivian said...

I think most kids experiment with lies--not because they are "bad" but because they know they're going to get in trouble, which only leads to big trouble. Look on the good side--you're raising your son with a conscience because he eventually admitted to the truth. Even though it was a little late, he's learning from this. And if he cleaned the cookie sheet well, you know he felt guilty and will probably think harder about the consequences.

Stay strong!

Recent blog post: Half-Birthday Celebration Expectations

April 14, 2009 7:08 PM
Tami said...

I agree with Vivian and Rachel that the fact he eventually told the truth is a good sign. But I certainly understand your frustration. I've got a couple of pretty good liars myself, even though they rarely get away with it. I have NO idea how to handle it, other that to keep up the good fight. I keep praying that eventually it will sink in.

Recent blog post: won...tooo...treeeee...repeat

April 14, 2009 9:31 PM
Heidi Hess Saxton said...

Greg Popcak talked about a similar situation the other day at "Heart, Mind, and Strength" (Ave Maria Radio). He says we should never ask our kids questions to "set them up" to lie. If we know what happened, we confront and work toward correcting future behavior. That advice has helped me with my daughter, who sometimes has a fast-and-loose relationship with reality.

As I'm sure you know, children often lie to please the parent -- speak as truth what they believe the parent WANTS to be the truth. As they get older, this impulse becomes much more self-serving. But with younger kids, it's not so cut and dried. Keep up the good work! You're an Extraordinary Mom!

Heidi Saxton
Extraordinary Moms Network
http://extraordinarymomsnetwork.wordpress.com

April 15, 2009 9:33 AM
Cheralynn said...

Not sure if this will help or not... it has helped us *some* - I try to make the punishment for lying much worse than the punishment for the offense. Basically, trying to invoke the fact these deceptions undermine my trust and affects our relationship and that lying to other people will cause the same which is no good at all for obvious reasons. Not cleaning the cookie sheet (in your example) is not "as bad" as being a dishonest person that people can't trust. It works... sometimes. :-)

April 15, 2009 9:34 AM
Jenni said...

This is a tough one and an ongoing issue in our house as well. We've been using your "circle of trust" idea, and it works pretty well. But both kids still lie to either get out of doing something they should or to cover up for doing something they shouldn't. It's extremely frustrating! I do think that him telling you the truth eventually is a good sign. Vika used to hold on to a lie for days sometimes, stubbornly refusing to let it go. Now, she generally only holds on to it for a few hours. While she's still lying, she's making progress in telling the truth. It's along road, but at least you guys are moving forward!

Recent blog post: Ridiculously Long Lasting Gum

April 16, 2009 4:41 PM
Dan said...

I'm so glad I stumbled across your post about lying. Our 11 year old adopted son is also a habitual liar and his behavior is very troubling. I feel additional confusion, stress, and frustration when I read other posts and suggestions that it is somehow my own parenting style that is in any way related to the cause of it. Our boy will look you directly in the eye and lie about anything, big or small. His behavior seems to imply that he lives in his own little mental world of untruth and believes that people will buy whatever he says regardless of what it is about. He likes to refer to himself as a "Master Tricker". You used the word "premeditation" and that so accurately describes our son's behavior. I don't believe our son lies because he doesn't trust us as much as he is intentionally trying to sustain an atmosphere of deceit and confusion in our home. I believe his root cause is that he is comfortable with and feels empowered when he is controlling what information is known and unknown regardless of its importance.

August 14, 2009 7:23 AM

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Here I chatter about books, parenting, election 2008, recipes, teaching college writing, and the adventures of getting settled in with our two freshly (Fall 06) adopted school-age children from Russia. This blog is chapter two; chapter one is posted at Jamie & Suzanne go to Russia. I live in the City of Subdued Excitement, Cascadia, Land of the Free.

I am the wife of a man I call My Gift from a Generous God. I am mama to two lovely children, Dandy and Chickadee that became ours in September 2006 in a court-room in Siberia. I am the daughter of two people whom I love and admire. One of them, my dad, is a new (Dec 06) paraplegic.

In my previous life (B.C. - before children), I was a college English teacher, specializing in composition and ESL composition.

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