4.28.2009

landmines

once again Suzanne has something to say about :: ::

It's not just the little jars of pee, actually weird bathroom stuff I could handle. It's the lies. Dandy leaves landmines all over the house. We can be having a perfectly lovely day and he will report that he has done something, or not done something, or whatever and then, as I walk through the house I see that exact opposite; I see a little lie landmine awaiting me. And this happens multiple times a day. It wears me out. It drains my love-tank. After days and days of this I have no lovey feelings left.

The cure? Keep him so supervised that he has no opportunity to lie, because he is never away from us. Basically keep him within 10 feet of me all day long.

Oh joy. Constant exposure to the one person I don't want to spend time with.

I'm griping. I don't want encouragement. I want support. Just so you know.

And please oh please don't explain to me why he is this way. I get it. I know why he is this way. Knowing why and living with it are two different things. It's the latter that I am struggling with.

~Suzanne


related posts


Links permalink firefox Twit This!

home print



13 new & improved comments:

Elle said...

So sorry you are going through this. If I were closer I would stop by with some lovely chocolate. And had I thought about it I would have sent Derek by with some since he is in Burlington today and tomorrow.

April 28, 2009 12:47 PM
Heather said...

I get the encouragement vs support thing and I do sympathize --we have various issues around here that drain me of all energy (like the one that is approaching the door at this very moment.) Wish I were closer so I could help out or at least sit and chat over all the insanity.

April 28, 2009 1:08 PM
Heidi Saxton - EMN said...

I just finished speaking to a church group about foster care and adoption. One of my talking points is that adoption/foster care isn't for everyone, that it requires a certain calling and an unshakable conviction that love changes people -- both the recipient and the giver. Another is that the biggest difference between biological parenting and adoptive parenting is that the order of labor and delivery is reversed -- we labor AFTER the child arrives to bond with the child. It's painful, messy ... and ultimately necessary.

No one would try to persuade a woman in labor that what she's doing is fun; wise husbands just hold her hand, rub her back, and keep their mouths shut no matter what comes out of her mouth. I hope those closest to you are doing that very thing. My prayers are with you. The work you are doing is invaluable . . . and though it might not seem like it now, years from now you WILL see a difference.

Right now, the trick is getting through it. (Perhaps you should have your ice chips in a marguerita!)

Blessings, Heidi Saxton Extraordinary Moms NetworkRecent blog post: Interested in Foster Care or Adoption? Near Ann Arbor?

April 28, 2009 3:25 PM
Rhonda said...

I will be praying. I can recall a few times that I've forced myself to go into my son's room and watch him sleep. Because that's the only time he was tolerable to me, his behavior was so terrible. Its not one day of it that's so bad. Its the weeks and weeks at a time with no end in sight. It wears you down in every way. I am sorry your family is going through this.

April 28, 2009 4:14 PM
Suzanne said...

Oh thank you Rhonda. I've just been hating myself for being so sick of him. There is a small comfort in knowing that other nice people have been brought to this state by the endlessness of it all.

I'll try watching him sleep tonight. I've kept him in his room all day -- not out of meanness -- but to protect him from my glares and harsh words. I've gone up there so many times to open the door and give him what he needs -- a loving gentle mom -- but I can't find her.

How do I make her come back?

April 28, 2009 4:21 PM
rachael said...

Wow, Suzanne. That sucks. If this is labor (as one commenter suggested) you just need to find your focal point: something good in him to cling to and remind yourself of that when your tank is REALLY, really empty and you are running on fumes. There is SOMETHING good, right? Breath in, breath out and think of that. (Hope that wasn't too encouraging. If I knew you in real life, I'd just give you a hug.)

Recent blog post: He Jests. Surely.

April 28, 2009 6:56 PM
Guest said...

Suzanne, I'm soooo sorry. I'd be flipping my lid too. I know someone on FRUA mentioned getting respite and she sat in a tree for a few days. I can totally see how it would drain a person. Take care.
Serena

April 28, 2009 9:52 PM
Guest said...

PS: and you are a wise woman (as I always suspected) for telling people how to comment (support vs encouragement). It makes it easier to know what a person needs.

April 28, 2009 9:54 PM
kate said...

Wow, that sounds really tough.

(wink) (Did it make you smile? That was the intent.)

Big hugs. Heartfelt prayers.

Recent blog post: new digs

April 29, 2009 10:52 AM
Suzanne said...

oh Kate, you always know just the right thing to say. :)

April 29, 2009 9:58 PM
kristin said...

I home school my daughter and let me tell you sometimes I have had enough of her! It is in all of us! I hope you can get sometime to yourself! Do something you enjoy. Hang in there...
Kristin

April 30, 2009 6:54 AM
Yuliya Z. said...

Oh, Suzanne, I know exactly what you are going through. Alex has very similar behavior problems (defiance, lying, screaming and so on). We also homeschool him. At times I just hate what he does to our family but I try to concentrate my attention on every small positive thing he does. I would repeat to myself:
"Alex was so nice today, he helped me do the dishes and clean the house. Alex was so nice today, he helped me do the dishes and clean the house. He is a sweet boy. He is a sweet boy. It will get better. It will get better" I would think this thoughts over and over again through the day and it helps me feel better about him. I noticed that the way I think helps me change the way I feel about this boy. I also like to compare what it used to be when he just came home. Even the worst day today is better than the best day two years ago (remember those first days in Khabarovsk and sleepless nights in Moscow ? I also like to imagine his future, that eventually he will get older and he will get more mature and one day he will realize what we as parents did for him. It might not happen tomorrow but it will happen in the future. I am trying to stay as positive as I can but I know it is not easy to do and at times it is really-really hard. Remember, there is always light at the end of the tunell. I also really liked the idea of looking at the child when he is sleeping. I can't believe I never thought of that before, but I am going to try to do it as often as I can.

May 5, 2009 8:46 PM
Suzanne said...

"He is a sweet boy. He is a sweet boy. It will get better. It will get better" Yes. I need to record myself saying this and play it to myself in my sleep.

"Even the worst day today is better than the best day two years ago (remember those first days in Khabarovsk and sleepless nights in Moscow ?" Good point. Moscow was insane. Like a nightmare only days and days long. Ugh.

Thanks for sharing Yulia. You probably really do understand -- it's such a comfort.

May 5, 2009 11:37 PM

Post a Comment

hope for America


me! me! me!


Here I chatter about books, parenting, election 2008, recipes, teaching college writing, and the adventures of getting settled in with our two freshly (Fall 06) adopted school-age children from Russia. This blog is chapter two; chapter one is posted at Jamie & Suzanne go to Russia. I live in the City of Subdued Excitement, Cascadia, Land of the Free.

I am the wife of a man I call My Gift from a Generous God. I am mama to two lovely children, Dandy and Chickadee that became ours in September 2006 in a court-room in Siberia. I am the daughter of two people whom I love and admire. One of them, my dad, is a new (Dec 06) paraplegic.

In my previous life (B.C. - before children), I was a college English teacher, specializing in composition and ESL composition.

:: click here to read my 8 things meme

recent books



currently reading

cookery


recent successes

future endeavors


parenting


adoption


older child adoption


home-schooling


recent posts


top 10 posts


blogs I follow


visitors


   

credits


This blog started life as hackosphere's neo and has been heavily tweaked and widgetized by Suzanne :: I got all the coding for the peek-a-boo posts over at hackosphere :: All my pretty little icons came from famfamfam :: The coding for the rotating banners came from Vince Liu :: The very cool tabbed sidebar widgets are thanks to the very cool hoctro :: The fun "Feeling Lucky?" toy -- which is currently disabled -- came from phydeaux3 (fido 3?) :: The pretty label cloud also came from phydeaux3 :: The elegant and easy to install related posts widget came from Jackbook :: I got all the social bookmarking icons nicely packaged for me at the aptly named Social Bookmarking Script Generator :: The 3 column footer came from Technodia :: The pretty sliding photo galleries are from CSSplay :: The recent comments widget is from Hackosphere::

badges