My darling husband took the day off from work so that I could get away before I went stark raving. For some reason the last round of troubles just set me off and I couldn't find my way back to any sort of balance. Today helped a lot.
- I read all your supportive comments.
- My favorite chicken, Eva, who had been limping and winging-funny, is all better.
- Jamie took over all the child care. Feeding, transporting, micro-managing, the whole thing. (Boy, is HE tired!)
- I talked with my best friend and she assured me that I am not, in fact, a horrible person.
- I got an appointment with a real attachment therapist that drives up from the Seattle area once a week. You have no idea how hard it has been to find local attachment help.
- I talked with our home-study social worker and she gave me some good ideas.
- I went and got my first spa massage and then when it was over I stayed in the lovely spa robe and sat in the lovely spa waiting room and looked at the lovely spa waiting room garden and listened to my music and nobody spoke to me for an hour and it was so very very lovely. And quiet.
- I went to the mall to get some NYDJ jeans (last jeans purchase was in 2006) and about died when I saw the price. Then one of my former students showed up and showed me some better-fitting jeans and I got two pairs for around $40.00 total.
- Then I went to Cinnabon and bought little cinnabons for my family and went home, where I found
- A reclining deck chair that I had been wishing for for two years.
- I read all your supportive comments again.
8 comments:
I'm so glad your "Gift" stepped in and took over. :-) Great to have a break and some silence. And how cool to find a therapist who can come near you.
Take care
Serena
So glad that you got a mental health day away, hope the attachment therapist can help (a magic pink pill would be perfect but still) and the reclining chair sounds blissful.
Oh - and no you're not a horrible person so please remember that k?
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Hooray! What a great day.
Now tell who makes the better-fitting jeans.
Sending virtual hugs your way! Being a mom can be so challenging--adding in some special issues and needs, it is no wonder you needed a mental health day. So glad you had your day away and can come back feeling a bit more refreshed. Hopefully the therapist can offer you both more insight into the complicated mind of Dandy so you can help him continue to heal. I know it would not be easy for me to keep my composure with some of the things you have had to handle. I agree, you are not a horrible person! You are just human, like the rest of us.
Style & Co.
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So glad you are feeling better. You had asked in the last comment how to get Dandy's old Mom back, and I have no answer :). It does come back, through....through God's grace, I think.
Its amazing what some retail therapy can do, isn't it? Sometimes distance can give perspective. Yay to the husband for stepping in when it was much needed. I hope the attachment therapist can provide some good insight.
Rhonda
Hugs to you Suzanne. I'm so glad Jamie was able to offer some respite for a bit. I wanted to address that horrible person thing, because I've beens spending a lot of time discussing this with others (and my therapist), that there are just some things that nearly all Moms feel but aren't "supposed to" vocalize because to do so brands us as a mother who doesn't love her children. Which is absurd. We all love our children and would die for them, but the reality is that every mother experiences a time or times when we say "I've made a horrible mistake and I just can't do this." I think we all have those times. I don't mean to downplay Dandy's challenges, of which he has more than his share, as do you, but I think this feeling is a lot more universal than we hear about. Of course you're having a difficult time with your feelings about Dandy. Who wouldn't? But that doesn't mean you don't love him or that you're a bad mother. It's going to be a long process for Dandy and for you, Jamie, and Chickadee, but I'm very hopeful that you've found an actual attachment specialist and I hope he or she is able to give you some tools to get all of you through this. As far as now, well, we all do what we have to do, and the only way we can be good mothers is to make sure that we ourselves are whole, intact people. If that means stepping away from the home, so be it. If it means that you have to stand back and say you know, I love my son but I don't like him right now, so be it. Between your dad, Dandy, your arthritis, and everything else going on, it's no wonder you're drained and exhausted. I do pray you'll be able to find little ways to recharge, and that the attachment counselor can help get you all on a path to healing.
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and kind comments. You have really been a blessing and a help. We are doing better . . .
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