this just in

The kids had their first outside-the-family play-at-their house playdate yesterday.  This is the first time they have been in a non-relative's home without a parent or relative to keep tabs on them. 

I got this in a morning email: 

We were so happy to have your kids over. They were delightful and we'd love to have them again. There manners were very good and they played very well with my children.

The mom that wrote this has no idea what this means to us.  I actually cried.

The Stall Question

Do your kids drive you crazy with The Stall Question? Of course not, for you are a paragon of patience and loving-kindness. Me? Not so much. They drive me nuts with the lame-o unnecessary already-know-the-answer-and-we-all-know-that-you-know-the-answer questions that they ask to put off the inevitable for one more second, or that they ask for the sheer joy of watching Mom's head explode. I suspect the latter.

Obviously, if I could remain calm, cool, and collected, the Crisis of the Stall Question would dissipate on its own. Until I can arrange for a personality transplant, however, my new strategy will have to do. Lines. For every ridiculous question, the child can scribe the answer.

Mom: Please tidy up the playroom.
Child: Do I have to?
Mom: Please bring me paper and pencil.
(Mom writes "When Mom tells me to do something, I have to do it." on the top of the paper and numbers the lines 1 though 5.)
Mom: Please copy this out five times.
Child: Do I have to?
(Mom adds some numbers to the paper.)
(Child whines and stamps feet.)
(Mom adds some more numbers to the paper.)
(Child resigns self to the task, does the copywork; reads each and every line out loud to Mama; we check it for capital letters and end punctuation; we make tidy corrections as needed.)

Mom: Please tidy the playroom.
Child: Yes Mama.

We'll see how that works. It has to be better than our current pattern.

Mom: Please tidy up the playroom.
Child: Do I have to?
Mom (crossly): Yes, of course you have to. When I ask blah blah blah blahbity blah blah blah blah blah blahbity blah blah blah blah blah blahbity blah blah blah blah blah blahbity blah blah. Now go tidy up the playroom.
Child: Do I have to?
Mom (more crossly): No, you don't have to. You may go sit in the little chair until you are ready to tidy the playroom.

Now this did work, but I was always at risk of being pushed into crabby-land and a great deal of time was wasted on the little chair which has no redeeming benefits, other than ending the conversation and removing the child from view for awhile, and there was great potential for stewing to occur in the chair.

But scribing has some great benefits. It puts the positive message in front of the child's eyes, through the brain, and out through the fingers and the mouth multiple times. It models sentence patterns. It provides fine-motor skills practice. It is, by its repetitive solitary nature, a calming task which yields something they could (theoretically at least) take some pride in at the end.

oh the heartache

In the fall of 2006 we brought home from Russia two confused and neglected children, ages 5 and 6. Here are two snapshots of the grief that our little ones carry:


December 2006: our son had been with us for nearly three months before this conversation occurred, during an alphabet lesson:


We did the letter "B" last week:

"Ball. Banana. Bunnies. Bread. Breakfast. Baby." I said.

"Mama doesn't like babies," Dandy replied.

"Yes I do! Why do you think that?"

"Why did you give me to the detskydom (orphanage)?"

Whoops! All this time he has thought I parked him there for six years because I didn't like babies. All this time, he had thought I was his tummy-mommy. When I met him at the orphanage, he thought I was returning after being away. The amazing thing is that he 'welcomed me back' with open arms and heart, in spite of being abandoned.

After I explained that I was a new Mama on the scene he said it was very sad that we had had to wait so long. "I needed you," he said. "I was a sad baby. I needed you no bolshoy padashdi (big wait)."


And a few months later, in February of 2007 our daughter, who sings all the time, was singing over her breakfast.

I love my mama.

Yes I do.

I love my mama.

Yes I do.

My Ruskie mama.

No I eat.

My Ruskie mama.

No I eat.

I love my mama.

Eat. Eat. Eat.

I love my mama.

Eat. Eat. Eat.

My mama loves me.

Eat. Eat. Eat.

My mama loves me.

Eat. Eat. Eat.

My Ruskie mama . . .

The song stops.

A small voice asks, "Mama, did Ruskie Mama love me?"

"Yes."

"Why no I eat?"

We read all the books, the blogs, the list-serves. We had buckets of knowledge about the circumstances that children come from and the struggles of adapting to the new lives. We knew a lot. But how could we possibly anticipate moments like these? Moments when we that show us the confusion, the questions, the sad wonderings with which they live

sneaking off

If you know us in real-life, or even in blog-life I guess, you know that Dandy is not a free-range kid. I always have to know where he is and what he is doing. If I don't, he gets himself into trouble. It's not a lot different from parenting a 4-year-old, only a lot taller.

Any way, he has been sneaking off for the last few days. You know where I find him?

On his bed. Reading.

Oh happiness and joy.

He is reading, for real, Harry Potter. Not pretending to read it, but really reading it -- able to correctly tell me what is happening.

He is in 4th grade; three years ago he spoke only Russia and read nothing but his name in both languages.

homeschooling

We just got Dandy's test results from the end of the school year. I am posting this for all of you that question our home-schooling decision.

Let's look at Reading first. The top line is the district norm, the triangles are his class norm (pretty much the same). The lower line is Dandy.

The first measure is May 2008. Then September 2008, then May 2009. Yes, he is below grade level (approximately at mid-2nd grade level when his age peers are at end of 3rd grade level), but he had to learn a new language and alphabet at age 7, so being behind is to be expected.

What I want you to notice is this: his group went up a half a bar in a year; Dandy went up a bar and a third.

Now let's look at Math.

The first measure is May 2008. Then September 2008, then May 2009. Yes, he is below grade level but only by a teeny tiny bit and again, look at the gains. His peers went up half a bar; he went up a full two bars (thank you Math-U-See).

So tell me again why I should not home-school them? Oh right, the socialization. Honestly, with the state of pop culture, and the government using schools as tool of social "reform", I can do without the socialization.

Have I ever mentioned that, as a community college English teacher, I see in my classes the products of public schooling? Of the outstanding students I do get to work with (few and far between), many of them are home-schooled.

Now, I know that home-schooling does not fit for many families; I am not posting this to say that you should home-school. I am posting this for those who question the fit for our family and to brag a little on our hard work. Go Dandy! Go home-schooling!

not one of the difficult kids

Yup. That is what Dandy's day camp counselor told us at the end of the week. That our son, the one that is usually the Difficult One in other contexts, did not make the naughty list at day camp. We are so pleased. I can't possibly share with you how many hours of coaching and parenting and intervening and fretting this accomplishment cost us, nor how pleased we are to -- at least not on this occassion -- to not be the 'in-trouble' family. Yeah Dandy!

In other camp news, he got to go knee-boarding and inner-tubing and roll in the dirt and sing and romp and came home filthy and exhausted. It was a great week.

day camp

Each child has or is having the treat of day camp this summer. Chickadee finished her week last Friday, coming home so tired that one evening we found her dozing of standing up with her head on the counter. She came home every evening sticky and dirty: pine pitch, dirt, pine needles, what have you. Dirty, tired, and happy -- she loves camp.

Dandy goes off to camp this week. I signed them up separately as I wanted her to have her own experience; she too easily allows her life to become a mere derivative of his. Not a life-habit I want to encourage.

another growth post

Try to contain your excitement, as here is another growth report, with illustrations this time.

overheard

upstairs:

Chickadee: G'night, I love you.
Dandy: I love you too.

age 7 - finally outgrows her 3Ts

Remember when, for Chickadee's 6th birthday I threw out all her size 2s, not because they were too small but because I was just sick of them? Well we have reached a new milestone. Her size 3Ts are finally too small. She is 7 years 4 months.





:: one year ago today: to post? or not to post? that is the question and if you watch just one Ron Paul video, let it be this one
:: two years ago today: God's Grandeur

Dandy the Linguistic Wonder

Did I ever tell you about the day we met Dandy and he wowed me with his analytical skills?

We met and of course used a translator to communicate. While English was being used, Dandy focused intently on us, tracking the conversation though of course understanding none of it.

During a lull, he presented me with a picture book and was very insistent that I look at the book and he would point to certain pictures.

"He wants you to tell him what the pictures are," the translator relayed.


"Wolf"
"Hill"
"Bird"
"Tree"
"Sun"
and so forth.

His eyes were bright and he was very purposeful in his actions. He slyly feigned dropping the book and backed up a few pages. He points at the tree again.
"Tree," I say.
He nods.
He points a few other new ones, then points at the wolf again.
"Wolf," I say.
We do a few more.
He finds a new tree and points to it.
"Tree," I say.
He nods, claps the book shut, and runs off speaking a mile a minute to his friends.

The translator tells me that he is reporting that we are not babbling nonsense (which apparently is what they had believed) but that we merely had different sounds for things.

So think about this. Within ten minutes of being exposed to the first foreign language of his life, he concocted a theory -- that we had different sounds, but that they consistently held meaning , devised a way to test his theory, did so even to include a double measure of testing (wolf and tree) and then reported his findings.

I was in awe, and I still am. This is the boy who uses the word avert. This is a boy who will ask once what a word means and then work it into his vocabulary. I really should not be amazed two years in, but still, he floored me with the syntax of this morning's pronouncement. He was helping his sister fold the laundry.

If you keep that attitude, I'm not going to help you. So if you don't want help, keep that whiny and grouchy attitude. If you do want help, lose it.

• parallelism! (if you don't, keep . . . and If you do, lose . . .)


• and that he said whiny and grouchy attitude rather than whining and crying

That is some pretty sophisticated sentence construction for a kid who has only been using English for two years. Some of my native-speaker adult English 101 students struggle to compose sentences like that.

Dandy, the linguistic wonder.

:: one year ago today: free rice
:: two years ago today: oddments: Children's Hospital, Secret Beach, Pizza with sauerkraut, diapers

stealing & lying

Will it ever end?

used gum

Yuck. Once again Dandy has completely grossed me out by showing up with gum in his mouth. Found Gum. Used Gum. Off the sidewalk Gum.

Am I the only mom that has to deal with this? What would you do?

parenting, older+child+adoption

awwww

Twice I have sent Dandy across the lawn to the convenience store (we are vacationing with Mom in Canada) to pick up this or that. I made it over to the store today and the clerk pulled me over to say that on each of Andy's visits the other customers had been vigoursly commenting on what a nice polite well-behaved little boy he was. She wanted to make sure I knew that it was working even when I wasn't around.

Made my day!

technorati tags: adoption

a question for attachment-savvy parents

Okay, so, here is the situation.

1. Dandy wakes up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and Chickadee and I, well, we are very fond of lazy restful mornings.
2. Dandy wakes up starving.
3. Dandy loves to cook.

From an attachment point of view, I'm supposed to be the great food-dispenser, the goddess of all things yummy. From a practical point of view, he is the obvious choice for breakfast cook.

Am I doing him a disservice by letting him provide breakfast?

attachment, adoption

growth report

Dandy

2006
October 3rd at age 6 yrs 11 mths:
48.5 inches (62nd percentile)
50 pounds (47th percentile).

2007
May 9th at age 7 yrs 6 mths):
50 inches (63rd percentile)
55 pounds (56th percentile).
:: Total gain of 1.5 inches & 5 lbs in 7 mths ::

June 28th at age 7 yrs 8 mths):
50.75 inches (68th percentile)
57 pounds (60th percentile).
:: Total gain of 2.25 inches & 7 lbs in 9 mths ::

August 8th at age 7 yrs 9 mths:
50.75 inches (65th percentile)
58.6 pounds (64th percentile).
:: Total gain of 2.25 inches & 8.6 pounds in 10 mths ::

2008
April 16th at age 8 yrs 5 mths:
52 inches (60th percentile)
62 pounds (60th percentile).
:: Total gain of 3.5 inches & 12 pounds in 19 mths ::



Chickadee

2006
October 3rd
at age 5 yrs 3 mths:
38.25 inches (less than 3rd percentile)
34.6 pounds (9th percentile).

2007
May 9th at age 5 yrs 10 mths:
40 inches (less than 3rd percentile)
37.6 pounds. (12th percentile).
:: Total gain of 1.75 inches & 3 lbs in 7 mths ::

June 28th at age 5 yrs and 11 mths:
40.5 inches (less than 3rd percentile)
38.6 pounds (15th percentile).
:: Total gain of 2.25 inches & 4 lbs in 9 mths ::

August 8th at age 6 yrs:
40.5 inches (less than 3rd percentile)
39.6 pounds (18th percentile)
:: Total gain of 2.25 inches & 5 pounds in 10 mths ::

November 2nd at age 6 yrs, 3 months:
41 inches (less than 3rd percentile)
42 pounds (25th percentile)
:: Total gain 2.75 inches & 7.4 pounds in 13 mths ::

2008
April 16th at age 6 yrs, 9 months:
42 inches (less than 3rd percentile, still)
42 pounds (14th percentile)
:: Total gain 3.75 inches & 7.4 pounds in 19 mths ::

international adoption, russian adoption, older child adoption

works for me: iPod for cultural literacy

For any other families adopting older children, here is my best idea yet for helping your children catch up with all the nursery rhymes, stories, and folktales of their new culture.

First, I went to eBay and got a cheap iPod shuffle, the old style. Then I gathered together a huge selection of children's lit and music via iTunes (which is a free download). I install a random collection of Lit and Music onto the shuffle and we are all set. I got a little adapter so that the shuffle can run on the stereo speakers, so when we are just hanging around the house we have "Coming Around the Mountain" or "Jesus Loves the Little Children" playing, or someone reading to us "The Three Little Pigs".

On our list we have:

Podcasts ~ free
1. StoryNory Podcast ~ this is a current podcast and is our favorite, read by a woman with a voice like a chocolate truffle.
2. BigStoryTime Podcast ~ common children's books read by a cute cute little boy.
3. Karen & Kids Pod cast ~ this is a current podcast of Bible stories & songs
4. How Stuff Works Podcast ~ under 2 minutes
5. Lit2Go Podcast ~ stories and poems, read aloud by a variety of readers, some better than others

~~~~~ just added ~~~~~

6. The Story Home ~ classic and original stories posted every other week
7. BrainStuff: How Stuff Works ~ fascinating sciency-stuff in about a minute & a half
8. Kid's For Truth ~ daily devotions in under 5 minutes
9. Paws & Tales ~ 30 minutes of Bible-based stories

Purchased or Received as Gifts or Already had as CDs.
1. 100 Bible Stories, 100 Bible Songs~ Stephen Elkens
2. 100 Bible Songs for Kids - St John's Children's Choir
3. VeggieTales Sing-Along CDs
4. Children's Sing-a-long Favorites - St John's Children's Choir
5. More Singable Songs - Raffi
6. Peter, Paul and Mommy
7. Return to Pooh Corner- Kenny Loggins
8. Songs Of The Cat - Garrison Keller

9. Music Tales: Popular Children's Stories Accompanied By Famous Classical Music
10. Sing Along with Putamayo
11. Where the Wild Things Are
12. The Cat in the Hat

~~~~~ just added ~~~~~

13. Selections from The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language: Genesis 1, Exodus 20, I Samuel 17, many Psalms, Isaiah 53, I Corinthians 13
14. Steve Green's Hide 'Em in Your Heart: Bible Memory Melodies, Vol. 1 (thanks Kate)

What am I missing? What do your kids enjoy/learn from?

sleepwalking

Dandy has been known to go on nocturnal walkabouts before, but he has confined himself to the upstairs. I would hear him bumping about and go up and lead him back to bed. Last night, though, he was downstairs, meandering through the living room. I was still up and sent him back to bed.

Then I went to bed.

Then I heard bumpbump bump.

I jumped out of bed and intercepted him halfway out the deck door. He had it open and was stepping outside. I asked him what he was doing.

Dandy: I have to give them the thing.
Me: What thing?
Dandy: The thing. They said I have to give it to them.
Me: I'll take care of it. Your important part is to stay inside at night. It's not safe to go outside.
Dandy: They have to get the thing.
Me: I'll do it for you. Your part is to stay in your room. That's what you can do.
Dandy: Okay.

A few minutes later I went up to check him. He was in bed, eyes wide open, still sound asleep. "You have to close your eyes now honey. It's the next thing you have to do." His eyes close. "Stay in bed now. Dream of lovely things. Stay in bed."

We then booby-trapped the upstairs hallway so that none could pass without making a racket. I'm considering setting up a motion detector hooked up to a recording of me saying, "Go back to bed honey". He is very compliant and obedient while sleepwalking. It's just a matter of getting him to obey us, and not the dream.

parenting, older+child+adoption

twas a great party

The food was good; the guests were interesting; it was a lovely lovely day. The best part? Dandy was able to enjoy the attention of the whatever adult he was with without constantly surveying the room to see if everyone else was watching or if his sister was getting more attention from someone else. As mom put it, he acted 'normal". And though I am not precisely sure what "normal" means, I agreed with her.

Keeping him home from school has proven to be a water-shed for us. He is much calmer, much more able to relax, much less frenetic.

Edited to add: Rachel, I added the link to the menu posting.

18 months in

A year and a half ago today our plane landed in Chicago and our kids became US citizens. Hours later another plane landed in Seattle and we were picked up and driven home. A year and a half ago today -- a mere 18 months -- our children walked into our home for the first time. We were still speaking Russglish back then, still using sign language, still essentially strangers to one another. Twas merely a year and a half ago.

How did we celebrate? My Gift worked overtime and I took the children first to class with me (last night WHoo HOOO) and then to a Ron Paul party to celebrate our successful convention. I did mention that 80% of the delegates from our county are Ron Paul's people, didn't I? We had much to celebrate.