Dandy the Linguistic Wonder

Did I ever tell you about the day we met Dandy and he wowed me with his analytical skills?

We met and of course used a translator to communicate. While English was being used, Dandy focused intently on us, tracking the conversation though of course understanding none of it.

During a lull, he presented me with a picture book and was very insistent that I look at the book and he would point to certain pictures.

"He wants you to tell him what the pictures are," the translator relayed.


"Wolf"
"Hill"
"Bird"
"Tree"
"Sun"
and so forth.

His eyes were bright and he was very purposeful in his actions. He slyly feigned dropping the book and backed up a few pages. He points at the tree again.
"Tree," I say.
He nods.
He points a few other new ones, then points at the wolf again.
"Wolf," I say.
We do a few more.
He finds a new tree and points to it.
"Tree," I say.
He nods, claps the book shut, and runs off speaking a mile a minute to his friends.

The translator tells me that he is reporting that we are not babbling nonsense (which apparently is what they had believed) but that we merely had different sounds for things.

So think about this. Within ten minutes of being exposed to the first foreign language of his life, he concocted a theory -- that we had different sounds, but that they consistently held meaning , devised a way to test his theory, did so even to include a double measure of testing (wolf and tree) and then reported his findings.

I was in awe, and I still am. This is the boy who uses the word avert. This is a boy who will ask once what a word means and then work it into his vocabulary. I really should not be amazed two years in, but still, he floored me with the syntax of this morning's pronouncement. He was helping his sister fold the laundry.

If you keep that attitude, I'm not going to help you. So if you don't want help, keep that whiny and grouchy attitude. If you do want help, lose it.

• parallelism! (if you don't, keep . . . and If you do, lose . . .)


• and that he said whiny and grouchy attitude rather than whining and crying

That is some pretty sophisticated sentence construction for a kid who has only been using English for two years. Some of my native-speaker adult English 101 students struggle to compose sentences like that.

Dandy, the linguistic wonder.

:: one year ago today: free rice
:: two years ago today: oddments: Children's Hospital, Secret Beach, Pizza with sauerkraut, diapers

ayat

It's time to celebrate a month of anniversaries. Two years ago today we gained custody of the kids. Here's the link if you want to go wander down memory lane with me: At Last.

adoption, russian adoption

growing spurt

I don't recall if I mentioned here that last year, in honor of Chickadee's 6th birthday, I tossed out all her size 2 clothes. Not that they were too small, just because I was sick of them. This weekend, a full month ahead of her 7th birthday, we are tossing out her size 3's because they are too small. So we are catching up a wee bit.

Wedding Procession, Moscow, Russia

During our long Moscow march, this procession passed us.

Moscow
Russia

borscht with a KitchenAid

This is a yummy, hearty, economical, nutritious, and beautiful soup.

Borscht

Use the Shredder Attachment of your wonderful KitchenAid Stand Mixer to shred:

6 cloves peeled garlic
2 large carrots
1 cored apple
1 small onion
6 small potatoes
1 small head red cabbage
1 small head white cabbage
3 cooked beets (save the cooking water)

Simmer for hours along with:
beet water
soup bone
1 can tomato paste
extra water as needed.

Add salt to taste, serve topped with sour cream and dill.

Especially nice with the rye bread.

recipe

growth

Chickadee

2006
October 3rd at age 5 yrs 3 mths:
38.25 inches (less than 3rd percentile)
34.6 pounds (9th percentile).

2007
May 9th at age 5 yrs 10 mths:
40 inches (less than 3rd percentile)
37.6 pounds. (12th percentile).
:: Total gain of 1.75 inches & 3 lbs in 7 mths ::

June 28th at age 5 yrs and 11 mths:
40.5 inches (less than 3rd percentile)
38.6 pounds (15th percentile).
:: Total gain of 2.25 inches & 4 lbs in 9 mths ::

August 8th at age 6 yrs:
40.5 inches (less than 3rd percentile)
39.6 pounds (18th percentile)
:: Total gain of 2.25 inches & 5 pounds in 10 mths ::

November 2nd at age 6 yrs, 3 months:
41 inches (less than 3rd percentile)
42 pounds (25th percentile)
:: Total gain 2.75 inches & 7.4 pounds in 13 mths ::

older child adoption

how are we doing

Thank you for your questions. Click on "Read More" for my replies.


I was wondering how are they doing with language-learning English, speaking it and how often are the times when they say something in Russian and don't know the word for it in English?

Both their language acquisition and language attrition are astonishing. They understand only a tiny little bit of Russian now; I speak it more than they do. They have lots of vocabulary gaps, places where they just don't know the word in any language. I just supply the word, have them repeat it in a sentence, and on we go.

Chickadee does use some Russian words instead of English, for example, dolly, coat hanger, baby carriage, remember and can are always spoken in Russian.

Neither child likes to hear Russian spoken. They began to feel sad at the sound of it. I think, for them, it is the language of loneliness.

. . . how has Dandy done in school as far as communicating with his peers?

No trouble at all with communicating. Lots of trouble with winning friends as his survival-skills background does not transition well to being liked. Peers are, for orphanage kids, resource competition. Dandy charms the grown-ups and bull-dozes his peers.

What are your biggest challenges with them? And your sweetest moments?

Biggest challenges: convincing Dandy that he is not, in fact, the Emperor of the World; coming up with discipline strategies that work.

Sweetest moments: any moment that includes snuggling is pretty sweet; hearing them say table grace; watching them with their grandparents and/or cousins.

Do they ever talk about their life in Russia?

Yes. Often. I can't share their stories, but some of them would curl your toes. I can share that Chickadee views the orphanage as a very good place and was happy to live there.

Now that they've been home for a year, how is attachment going? Better or worse than you thought? Any more or less challenging than you anticipated?

When they first came home, I thought Dandy was going to be our easily attached child and Chickadee the worrisome one; she was very distant and inaccessible and interacted mainly with her brother. Sending her to morning pre-school and him to afternoon kindergarten -- essentially separating them for most of the day -- helped a lot.

At this point, it is reversed. Looking back, I can see that Dandy made a strategic alliance right away with us, the bringers of never-ending food. But now, a year in, he is still struggling to deeply care about family. On the other hand, Chickadee held us at arms' length as she checked us out. Once she decided we were for real, she gave herself to us. To him, we are part parents, part resources. To her, we are the world.

Dandy prefers to snuggle with his back to our front, no eye-contact, ready to escape at a moment's notice. We hold him so we can see him eye-to-eye and he is stiff and uncomfortable. It takes awhile for him to relax into the snuggle.

Chickadee cuddles up like a sleepy puppy.

What would you say are the biggest challenges you see ahead of you?

Socializing our bright and good-looking boy so that he can start to see people as, well, people, not as resources.

I guess I'm wondering what you wished you knew before they were home.

I'm glad I didn't know how hard it would be, as I would have chickened-out. I wish I had, even more severely than we did, limited their number of toys and clothes. I wish I had more dinners brought over.

Was there anything you could have done to make things easier/better?

Yes. When all those people were making glib sentences about "let us know how we can help" I would have whipped out my calendar and said, "which night are you bringing dinner?" For months. Even though I stayed home from work, my kids needed me, my gaze, my touch, my presence, my attention 18 hours a day, every day. Housework, cooking, paying bills, etc., all the ordinary things of life had to be carved out. It was as if I was a teen, sneaking off for a smoke, but instead I was sneaking off to pee. For real. Showering was a treat.

And, if I had read Parenting with Love and Logic earlier, that would have been helpful.

Separating their bedrooms earlier would have eased the bedtime routine, though we couldn't have pulled that off without Bear. When Dad got hurt, his border collie came to live at our house. We thought we were doing a favor for my folks, but they were doing one for us, as our little "I'm terrified of going to sleep" girl can do all things if Bear is at her side.

How different are the two?

Very. He is confident, self-reliant, bossy, and tends to sulk. She is needy, gives up easily, and mostly cheerful.

Was it crazy to adopt two?

Hard? Yes. Crazy. No. For our kids, as they already knew each other, making this transition together really helped.

What milestones do you use to mark your progress?

You've probably seen the growth posts; that's the most concrete marker we have. For attachment, I am real encouraged when they look sad when scolded and when Dandy will give himself to a real snuggle, I know we are coming along. I can now shower at will.

Why does Chickadee have so few teeth? Did the others decay and have to be pulled? I would think that would have affected her speech and ability to eat.

Exactly. Most of her baby teeth were pulled in Russia. The one that remain are quite funky. They have divots at the gum line and interesting colors. Definitely this affects her speech. In addition to pronunciation concerns, she does have odd syntax. The closest thing I can compare it to is in a narrative of ASL where key concepts are circled back to over and over again.

And there is nothing wrong with being tiny. The best things come in small packages!

Agreed. But at some point, being very very tiny can be difficult for an adult. We'd like her to reach at least 5 feet tall so as to "fit" into a world of counter-tops and cupboards and steering wheels.

more growth

Dandy

October 3rd at age 6 yrs 11 mths:
48.5 inches (62nd percentile)
50 pounds (47th percentile).

May 9th at age 7 yrs 6 mths):
50 inches (63rd percentile)
55 pounds (56th percentile).
:: Total gain of 1.5 inches & 5 lbs in 7 mths ::

June 28th at age 7 yrs 8 mths):
50.75 inches (68th percentile)
57 pounds (60th percentile).
:: Total gain of 2.25 inches & 7 lbs in 9 mths ::

August 8th at age 7 yrs 9 mths:
50.75 inches (65th percentile)
58.6 pounds (64th percentile).
:: Total gain of 2.25 inches & 8.6 pounds in 10 mths ::


Chickadee

October 3rd at age 5 yrs 3 mths:
38.25 inches (less than 3rd percentile)
34.6 pounds (9th percentile).

May 9th at age 5 yrs 10 mths:
40 inches (less than 3rd percentile)
37.6 pounds. (12th percentile).
:: Total gain of 1.75 inches & 3 lbs in 7 mths ::

June 28th at age 5 yrs and 11 mths:
40.5 inches (less than 3rd percentile)
38.6 pounds (15th percentile).
:: Total gain of 2.25 inches & 4 lbs in 9 mths ::

August 8th at age 6 yrs:
40.5 inches (less than 3rd percentile)
39.6 pounds (18th percentile)
:: Total gain of 2.25 inches & 5 pounds in 10 mths ::

adoption blogpost roundup #3: travel

36 hours of travel. That's what we endured as we brought our children home last fall, this just two days after a 9 hour flight across Russia. We were joyous wrecks when we got home.

As accreditations start up again, other families are going to be gathering up travel tips. Let's share our hard-won wisdom.

Remember to link to your travel post, not to your whole blog.



Here is the coding for the link to this post, if you want to promote this round-up on your blog. I'll keep Mr. Linky open through July.

Adoption BlogPost Round-up #3: travel Participants

1. Suzanne\'s Trip One posts 2. Suzanne\'s Trip Two posts 3. Rachael: Fun Things to Do with Kids in Moscow, Part I 4. Julie--Part 1

5. Julie--Part 3 6. Julie--Part 4 7. Jane--Traveling Vicariously 8. Elle - Travel tips from the BTDT

9. Debbie Tips & Links 10. Rachael: Fun Things to Do with Kids in Moscow, Part II 11. Rachael: Part III, (that\'s all)

Learn more about Adoption BlogPost Round-up #3: travel here.

growth report

The children are apparently sneaking Miracle Gro when we are not looking. Or perhaps it is the buckets of food they eat everyday.

Click on the words "READ MORE . . . " for current heights and weights (clicking will not make your browser reload the page).

Dandy

October 3rd (age 6 yrs 11 mths): 48.5 inches & 50 pounds.
May 9th (7 yrs 6 mths): 50 inches & 55 pounds (1.5 inches & 5 lbs in 7 mths).
June 28th (7 yrs 8 mths): 50.75 inches & 57 pounds (2.25 inches & 7 lbs in 9 mths).

Chickadee

October 3rd (age 5 yrs 3 mths): 38.25 inches & 34.6 pounds.
May 9th (5 yrs 10 mths): 40 inches & 37.6 pounds. (1.75 inches & 3 lbs in 7 mths).
June 28th (5 yrs and 11 mths): 40.5 inches & 38.6 pounds (2.25 inches & 4 lbs in 9 mths).

I was worried that Chickadee is not gaining in weight as rapidly as her brother is, so I asked our Physician's Assistant. She plotted their growth and reports that Dandy is growing at a typical pace for a boy his age, is taller than average and of typical weight, which of course makes him look slim.

Chickadee is much shorter and lighter than average (we knew this) but her growth rate is much higher than average, meaning that she is putting on height and weight at a faster pace than other 5 yr old girls. So that is happy news.

Adoption BlogPost Roundup #1

May 31 is the official last day of Adoption BlogPost Round-Up #1. I updated the list to add some new posts and marked them. You'll see.

What would you like to have as a theme for the June Adoption BlogPost Round-Up? Could you share your ideas in the comments?

---

Domestic
Jamie at It's Always Something writes about the night she was packing to go to the hospital where her soon-to-be-child was about to born. It is a thoughtful and compassionate post.

Natasha at MultiRacial Sky writes a frustrating post in which she is trapped in bathroom with all four kids and a Person-Of-Inappropriate-Questions. I think she was much nicer than I would have been.

Melody at Slurping Life posts a beautiful and compelling reflection on an adoption that disrupted and celebrates the daughter that is no longer hers (but in a way, is always hers).

Margaret at Open Window (which is sporting a swell new look, btw) shares a beautifully written post about her childhood.

Kimmie at Over the Moon with Joy links us to her get-acquainted post in which she shares that

After all, we are not adding children to our lives, children are our lives.

Theresa at My World and Welcome To It posts adoption day pictures full of happy family moments.

new Heather at Production, Not Reproduction, shares a thoughtful and thought-provoking post about real moms. She also has an awesome list of adoption book reviews.

new Erika at Plain Jane Mom rightly rants about Adopt-a-Highway and the like.

Cambodia
Mrs. Broccoli Guy asks "Are Ethical Adoptions Possible?" (post #3, in a three part series) about unethical adoptions, ones in which the child is separated from his or her birth parents in shady circumstances.


China
Stefanie at ~Never Too Many~ shares her lovely blog about adopting in China.

Beverly at Motherhood and Other Ramblings posts about the impossible dilemma that faces a Chinese woman with an unplanned and unauthorized pregnancy.

Becky at And Chloe Makes 6 couldn't decide, so she shares her whole blog with us, chock full of pics of her good-looking kids.

Mrs. Logbeck at Confessions of an Imperfect Mom also couldn't decide, so she shared her whole blog. They are facing are really really long wait and could probably use a few words of support.

new RedMaryJanes at The Seventh Diamond follows suit, linking her whole blog. They too face a very very long wait.

new I'm seeing a trend here amongst the China folks, as Perrin also links her blog: two ladybugs. She has two very photogenic and apparently very busy little ones home.

Ethiopia
Owlhaven at Ethiopia Adoption Blog writes a birthday love letter to her daughter. What a treasure for this little girl when she is grown.

PatJrsMom at Building the Ark shares an inspiring account of the practical support they received at their fund-raising sale.

Nicky at Rowan Family Tree presents and defines for us the dread WIBMAD:Well-intentioned but Misinformed Adoption Disorder

[Definition] Things nice people say about adoption that are unintentionally hurtful or annoying.

I'm sure we all know at least one person afflicted with this malady. Nicky's post may be the best treatment available.

Rod at Alex - Road to Freedom pleas for help as their older-child adoption has stalled.

Guatemala
Wendy at Adopting Ahren (&PBJ, too!) writes a thought-provoking post on ways that people categorize her children and how their 'go-to' cubby surprises and concerns her.

Guatemala and Haiti
Dawn at Praying Them Home shares a moving post about progress in attachment. She really got me when she wrote this:

Then she came home.

But unlike my birth daughters, she was not a baby. She was lost and so was I. At first I honestly thought maybe we were doing ok. But there were times I would hold her, and I would think I don't know her, and I would panic. When my older girls were babies, I could instantly recognize their cry in a room of babies. If I held them with my eyes closed, I could tell you if I was holding my baby or another child. I knew them.

I did not know Emilee's smell. That sweet particular smell that belongs to your child. I did not know how she liked to be held. I didn't know what foods she liked. I didn't know how she slept. I didn't know her laugh. I didn't know what made her smile. We were strangers in a strange land. Trying to dance together as mother and daughter but not really knowing any of the steps.

Laura at No Small Feat writes a YEAH YEAH post. You know, the ones that you read and mutter Yeah! Yes! Yeah! all the way through. It nicely presents all the things you shouldn't say about adoption, and why.

Haiti
Sherri at everyday miracle posts a nearly poetic account of saying a temporary farewell to her daughter in Haiti. It is a lovely lovely read.

Korea
E at Looking for George questions and comments upon the specialized language of adoption culture.

Moldovia
The hippieish woman at Kinda Like a Hippie shares a birthday tribute to her excellent son and includes a lovely tribute to her son's birthmother.

Poland
Mrs. L at Remnants of my Life shares her whole blog with us including a teaser. She has some big news; she's just not going to share it.

Russia
Debbie of Family Reunion started us off with a great post about How to Support a Pre-Adoptive or Waiting Family. If you have a friend or family member that is adopting, you will find some practical advice here.

Tami at Finding Maddie shares a beautiful reflection on the birthday of the birthmother of Tami's son.

Esther at Crowned with Laurel made me cry as she described saying goodbye to ZsaZsa, a little girl that they were not able to adopt.

Jeneflower of 3 Sons and a Princess shares their video from that beautiful day when they picked up their princess.

Cindy at MeanderMom gives a detailed progress report on the 6 month anniversary of bringing their son home from Russia. Elle, if you missed this blog, you'll want to go read it as she has a rocker too.

Elle share from one of her older blogs, Adoption Adventure, about the long horrible terrible too-long wait. She got her referral a week before we did, got to travel on trip one (we did not), and then we all waited and waited and when we couldn't take it any more, we waited even longer. Her post is particularly teary for me as I know how the story ends.

Rhonda at Worth the Wait describes the sweetness of a little girl canoodling with her mommy. I've recently been blessed with such sweetness, so Rhonda's post is especially poignant for me.

Rachael at Always Wanted Four shares her efforts to learn, and her joy in getting to use, the Russian language.

Suzanne at Adventures in Daily Living recalls a conversation with a friend about re-naming one's new children.

Kate at from Russia, with love compares the long horrible wait to the wait at a bus-stop for a bus that may or may not be there in a minute, or an hour, or a month, or not-at-all, or 'I think I hear it now', or 'it broke down' or worst of all, no news at all, just a long chilly hope-deadening wait. Can you tell her analogy really worked for me? Even though our wait for the bus mercifully ended at last, I still get all jumpy just thinking about it. If you know someone waiting, send them chocolate, large quantities.

Thailand
April at Amazing Grace is putting together her scrapbook for her daughter. This gets her thinking and she asks us a great question:

How do we raise our adopted children to celebrate their lives without being defined by their adoption?

Ukraine
new The Seyler family at 3 Journies of the Heart share their adoption stories.

Vietnam
Jena at Preparing for Rain aptly titles her contribution Things that are Hard to Talk About and shares the struggle of the first bit of time home and the utter exhaustion and the fear of not feeling the 'right' way about her son and how impossible it all is and inadequate she feels that she is. Her post spoke to my heart as our first few months home were barely livable. The only way we got through is that my Dad would come and take one or both kids away and I could gather up my courage again. But most of you know what happened to Dad. Anyway Jena is courageous and honest in her posting and my heart goes out to her.

. . it hit me what it is that has made it so hard for me to attach to Khai, he doesn’t need me. As I sat there with Samuel, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was the ONLY person that Samuel needed to be there with him, I am his momma. But Khai has not needed me like that. And it is painful to know that your son does not need you like that.

Our son, Dandy still doesn't need us in a healthy manner. We are nice to have around and all that, but . . .

Nickie at Stepping on Legos shares a very poignant reflection on her daughter's birthmom and asks some very thought-provoking questions which elicit even more thought-provoking comments from her readers.

Laurie at Pho for Four shares an amusing post about international adoption is better than pregnancy, though I notice that gestation period did not make it onto her list. We were paper pregnant for 16-21 months, depending on when you start counting. Then, because Laurie isn't busy enough with her new little one and recently finishing med school (I need a nap just thinking about that), she offers to share with us her Life-Book making talents.

Gretchen at Adventures of a Law Mommy shares her daughter's responses to the gaps in the photo-record and comments

She did not come to our family in the usual way, which has me sitting in an unusual seat - asking my child, my CHILD, my DAUGHTER, questions about her life BEFORE ME. She has a whole history that I don't know much about.

Yes, I know the feeling. My daughter regularly tells me about her life before our mutual life.

Jennifer at This is Now discusses the health issues questions that we all have wrestled or will wrestle with. Which medical needs can we handle? which are not a good fit for us? Tis a tricksy decision, no doubt. I haven't any wisdom to share on this one, do you? If so, please go post it as I am so curious what about what you might say.

new Charisa at Little Brother shares her whole blog with us as they wait for their little boy.

Adoption Resources
Christine shares two links one with us: one is her author page and the other is her publisher page. Both promote her new book: Welcome Home, Forever Child: A Celebration of Children Adopted as Toddlers, Preschoolers, and Beyond.

Joanne at Forever Parents shares some lovely adoption-themed quotes.

Laura at Exploring Adoption recently attended the Adoption and Orphan Care Summit III. She shares her experiences there as well as gracefully counters what appears to be an under-informed LA Times article.

Adoption BlogPost RoundUp Blogroll
If you participated, you are on the blogroll. Here is the coding for it, in case you would like to add it to your blog. You can see it in the Mongo Blogroll section of my right sidebars.

<script language="javascript" type="text/javascript" src="http://rpc.blogrolling.com/display.php?r=1c3ed040ca4bb798ae37d2f151fee3de"></script>

Adoption BlogPost RoundUp Button
And in case you would like to add the pretty button from Kim's Bookworms Bookmarks to your posts or sidebar, here is the coding for that.

<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.adventuresindailyliving.blogspot.com/search/label/adoption%20blogpost%20round-up"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 133px; height: 145px;" src="http://lh6.google.com/image/chndlrsblog/Rl-D4eSN_CI/AAAAAAAAB3Y/wxh3w8CVsV4/adoption%20blogpost%20roundup%20button.JPG?imgmax=288" alt="" border="0" /></a>

tyat: two years ago today

Two years ago today we received our referral for our son. At the time, he was five and a half years old.




Dandy, age 5 and a half:















Dandy, age 6 and a half (still in Russia):



















The bear is one we took to the orphanage for him. Meshotka/медведь has traveled around the world and now lives in one of our upstairs bedrooms.


Dandy, age 7 and a half (on third base, somewhere in America):

If you want to know why it all took so long, mouse on over to the far right sidebar until you find our adoption timeline. From there you can click on links to the month-by-month progress (or lack thereof).

Moscow Московский Кремль

Taken in the Kremlin, Moscow: September 2006

Canon PowerShot S410 :: Exposure: 1/160 sec
Aperture: f/4.9 :: Focal Length: 22.2mm

growth report

. . . washboard ribcage . . .

When our children came to us last fall we scurried them into the doctor's for all sorts of shots and of course official measurements. We got reweighed and remeasured this week.


On October 3rd, at 6 yrs 11 months, Dandy was 48.5 inches tall and weighed 50 pounds. Seven months later, on May 9th (7 yrs 6 months) he is 50 inches tall and weighs 55 pounds. That's a gain of an inch and a half and five pounds. His washboard ribcage is no more.

On October 3rd, at 5 yrs 3 months, Chickadee 38.25 inches tall and weighed 34.6 pounds. Seven months later, on May 9th (5 yrs 10 months) she is 40 inches tall (below the lowest percentile) and weighs 37.6 pounds of pure muscle. She is amazingly strong. That's a gain of an inch and a 3/4 and three pounds.

This may be astonishingly dull for all my bookish readers, but for the readers who are or are soon-to-be parents of post-institutionalized children, this stuff is useful.

St. Basil's

St Basil's, Moscow, Russia: September 2006
Canon PowerShot S410 :: Exposure: 1/320 sec
Aperture: f/9.0 :: Focal Length: 12.9mm

Taken during our mad march through Moscow, trying to tucker out our jet-lagged children so that they would sleep that night.

declining a referral

Refill your coffee cup and get settled. I've a story to tell.


Way back in 2005, when we were starting all this, we asked for a boy and a girl, under 8 years old. Our agency told us about a boy and a girl that were in the same group in the orphanage and cared about each other. The only glitch was that the girl would not be available to adopt until after January of 2006. We would have to wait for both children another eight months before making Trip One. Well, adoptions in Russia are so uncertain that waiting another eight months seemed really risky. We were afraid that if we chose to wait, something would happen and we wouldn't be able to bring either child home. Remember, at this time, we were hoping to have kids home by Fall 2005.

So, we said, no, we didn't want to wait. Please find us a referral for a little girl who was available now. Nope, no little girls available. Then, to our amazement, we opened our email one day and found a picture of a cute little girl wearing a pink bow.



Lil Pink Bow Girl was darling. And charming. And we were so excited. A few days later we got the referral for the little boy (I'll post his story on his referral day, May 25th). We had celebrations and pasted their pictures all over the house. We got our travel dates for mid June.

Early June rolled around with lots of troubles. Our agency's accreditation had expired in January, but they had been able to proceed on Letters of Good Standing. In early June, the Powers-That-Be deemed Letters of Good Standing to be insufficient. When our trip was canceled, we were disappointed, but not surprised. We rescheduled for early July, thinking that all would be cleared up by then.

Well it took much longer. The July trip didn't happen, and nothing happened in August or September or October. We lived in limbo for months. The door wasn't open or closed, but just a bit ajar. Open enough that we could stick our noses in and then get the door slammed on them. In November we pined our hopes on meeting that was supposed to either shut the door or open it wide. Nope. Nothing. More limbo.

. . . we didn't quite click . . .

During this long wait, we reluctantly came to realize that we didn't quite click with Little Pink Bow girl, aka Anna as that is what we would have named her. I knew that Dandy was supposed to come into our family, but Anna just didn't feel right. Because it was a hard thing to acknowledge, and because our agency was not allowed to complete adoptions at that time, we didn't take any action because frankly, we had given up on Russia and sent our dossier to China.

So, we were going to China.

On February 22 of 2006, our Russian agency received the permissions it needed (aka accreditation) to proceed. We're going to Russia. We needed our homestudy updated. While our dear social worker was visiting for the update, I shared with her my reservations about Little Pink Bow Girl. I didn't have anything specific, but that she just didn't feel right. This was awful for me as I usually use logic and reasoning to make big decisions, not gut feelings. Our social worker asked me, if it were The Gift's gut feeling, what would I do. Well I would listen to it of course. She gave me permission to listen to my own.

Then she shared that in the decades of adoption social work she had assisted with a few disruptions and in every case, one or both of the parents admitted that they had had reservations about that child all along but didn't speak up. Well that clinched it for me. I couldn't do that to Little Pink Bow Girl.

So in March of 2006 I called our agency and told her we had to decline. I didn't have 'good' reason and I felt like a dork. She stated quite clearly that the odds of finding another little girl referral for us were slim. So be it. We quietly took Little Pink Bow Girl's pictures down and prepared to travel in April to meet our son.

We inquired about the little girl that our agency had originally advocated to us, the one that involved the long wait (oh the irony). No go. And then a bit later, "maybe".

So, we traveled. We met Dandy. We met a Chickadee only because she happened to be in the same group as Dandy. I just finished my A Year Ago Today series for Trip One, so you can read all about that over there.

We brought the children home last fall. They are affectionate with one another and share a common well of memories. Dandy remembers Chickadee's first nights at the orphanage. They talk about their friends together. Bringing them into a family together was perfect for them. But I often wondered and felt sad for Little Pink Bow Girl.

Last night, I found Little Pink Bow girl's referral pic on another Mama's blog. She is in a home, a happy home. I've been reading about her antics for the last year but hadn't put it together. For us, this is a gift of peace of mind. It all makes sense now.

They got her referral info in 2006, a year later than what we had, so I got to share those earlier pics and videos with them. So many times I had almost deleted the files, as they tugged at my heartstrings, but I held back, just in case.

Little Pink Bow Girl's mom and I are blogging about this as an encouragement to any other family that feels the need to decline a referral for nebulous reasons.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. ~Romans 8:28 KJV

Peter the Great

Peter the Great, Moscow, Russia: September 2006
Canon PowerShot S410 :: Exposure: 1/500 sec
Aperture: f/4.9 :: Focal Length: 22.2mm

We took this picture during our long march in Russia. In an attempt to wear our children out so that they would sleep at night, we toured Moscow all day, mostly on foot. By afternoon we were all staggering, so we took a lovely boat ride and had a picnic. Our efforts paid off, as the children slept ten straight hours that night.

Why was sleep so important? Read the back-story: Crying and Whining! me that is, not the children.

to rename or not to rename: that is the question

My friend Tina, adopting from Ethiopia this summer, asked me

. . . we are having a bit of a struggle with the whole name issue. Did you just think it through on your own or did you read something that advised the route you went with your kid's names?

I replied:

Regarding names: we thought it through on our own, so I don't have any resources for you there. I think what settled it for me was when I realized that my children, when grown, will not be Russian. They will be Americans with some strong ties to Russia. Your son will be an American with ties to Ethiopia, but not an Ethiopian. If he visits Ethiopia he will be an outsider. Names carry implications of cultural belonging. We chose to provide names that will match with their adult realities. Anyway, that was our thinking. I think you mentioned Biblical names -- that might be a nice compromise. Maybe a first name that is present in both cultures and his original name as his middle names.

. . . names carry implications of cultural belonging. . . .

My kids took no issue with their new names, accepting it as part of all the other newnesses. I do like that we have their Russian names as our private family snuggle names.

Now that you've got me thinking about it, I think this would make a good blog post.

and she said:

Thanks for the scoop on the names. We sure have gotten a ton of UNsolicited advice about this. Our gut feeling is/was to keep the name he comes with. But we haven't been able to 100% feel comfortable with doing so. Yet changing doesn't feel right either. Brian and I are not usually the kind that listen to advice much, but on this we are soliciting a little input now. The unsolicited advice has all said "change it, blend in, too hard to say, etc" with one exception, a therapist friend that was adamant about the importance of keeping the name. She did like the snuggle name idea that I told her you guys use. And she like keeping the original but having a related nickname that was easier to say. We have pretty much decided not to decide yet. But to meet him first. With a short list of names we both like in the back of our minds, in case changing does become the plan.

and your thoughts are . . .







:: After I got this post all ready, I noticed that Brandie over at Our Adoption Journey has also recently posted on this.

ayat: a year ago today

A year ago today we left Khabarovsk to return home and await our court date. At the time we left, we were hoping for a 6-8 week wait. It was four months. I'm rather glad I didn't know this at the time. Khabarovsk is in Far East Russia, so we flew on Asiana via Seoul. The best connecting flight involved a lengthy layover, so Asiana put us up at a nice hotel and transported us to and fro. We got in in the evening and had a nice walk-about and then had time the next morning to see the city before our late afternoon flight home.

all spiffed up and ready for spring

We had been in Khabarovsk right after (during) the last snow and right before the big all-city spring clean-up, so the city we saw was gray and frumpy and grimy and with her hair in curlers. Seoul, on the other hand, was a cute young thing, all spiffed up and ready for spring.

We were ready for Seoul.

:: this post was entered in Scribbet's Write-Away contest
:: this post was included in the Carnival of Cities

ayat: a year ago today

A year ago today, we received the official referral for our daughter, signed our intent-to-adopt papers (at which time we had to determine their names), and visited the children for the last time until August.

. . . adoption is not for the faint of heart . . .

The first picture in this series is the entrance to the notary's office. There was a huge line-up, but apparently we had an appointment. Our translator knocked on the door and we went straight in. A huge collective grumble from the weary waiters followed us through the doorway. After our traveling companions, Elle and CS, signed their papers and we had signed ours -- in duplicate as we were adopting two children -- the notary said farewell and wished us good luck in navigating the hallway. Apparently appointments are not the norm and we were seen as queue-jumpers. It was a bit embarrassing.

We got to see the children in the afternoon. We took clothes and presents and played and wept when we left. The children were told that we were their new mama and papa and they rejoiced and were glad. Andy, as you can see in the pics, glued himself to us. When we left they cried out "Dasvedayna Mama y Papa." I carried their voices in my heart for the next four months as we waited for permission to return.

We had traveled to Khabarovsk on only the referral of our son, hoping and praying for our daughter, but not having any assurances. We got the referral for her the day before we left. She is the sunshine and light of our family life. I get a little shaky thinking how close we came to not being blessed with her referral. Adoption is not for the faint of heart.